Friends are the new Lovers

I used to cringe when I heard a woman (or girl) I was interested in say, “Let’s just be friends.” It was a clear sign that you would be the one hearing all about her intimate life, instead of becoming a part of it…but now these definitions of friendship have changed and being friends doesn’t necessarily mean sex is ruled out.

Culture has been shifting to these paradigms as far back as the late ‘80’s and early ‘90’s with mentions of “Kissing Cousins” in De La Souls classic song Buddy, as well as R&B icon R. Kelly’s yearning for that “Homie Lover Friend,”described in Bump and Grind.

The “Friend Zone” is so widely recognized today, I don’t even refer to my male homies (patnas’, cuzzins’, aces, rounds, folks) as friends. When I use the word “friend” I am definitely describing a female. Nowadays, I urge females to be “friends” with me, instead of trying to get them to be in a monogomous relationships with me. With all of the technological and social advances we’ve made over generations on all fronts, friendship has much more benefits than it used to.

One of the most significant benefits of this “new-age” friendship is that physicality has been upgraded from hugs to “clothing-optional” hugs. The intimacy of a consummate relationship has been added to the passion of your average friendship, while the commitment is all but ignored.

I can recall a time or two when I’ve felt some welcoming energy from a woman and approached her only to find out she had a boyfriend. In at least a couple of instances, this didn’t stop us from exchanging information and forming a “friendship,” even though the girl is supposed to be involved with someone else. I’ve exercised the clothing option when hugging a friend who was in another relationship both as soon as her relationship has ended, and also while her relationship was still “committed.”

I, myself, have only really been in one committed relationship that ended when she exercised her clothing option with one of her buddies and got freaked out when she missed her period, but we remained friends after. And while I’ve never cheated in a committed relationship, I’ve helped more than one of my “friends” cheat in theirs.

After all this, my mindset is that trying to maintain exclusivity is too much pressure…you have to be secure and insecure at the same time because you know once you’re in a monogomous relationship, it’s doomed to die. But a friendship can be on hiatus. You can be in and out of each other’s lives and keep it going.

I think this is happening because many young people are rejecting the traditional ideals of a relationship because they know that they are doomed for failure…and the new concept of friendship has evolved out of that. Young males and females have been experiencing, either through their parents’ divorces, or through their own romantic trials, commitment as a failed concept that pushes the notion of love to its peak. Once that peak is achieved, the only place to go is downhill. This downward spiral can be as slow as people just plain falling out of love, or as quick as one’s partner discovering that they are not the only one participating in love acts with their “committed” love.

But in friendships I’m safe from that pain, and so is my friend. We can share a spiritual and physical connection, without the arduous task of maintaining exclusivity. But it you are brave enough to enter into a committed relationship, I suggest you marry that person because the Husband is the new Boyfriend (or Wife the new Girlfriend). I’ll address this in my next installment, but for now…remember, Friends are the new Lovers.